direction needed

i have been sad lately ... over the past eleven months or so. not getting any job offers from fall recruiting, or any fellowships, discouraged me. more profoundly, though, ruminating on my rejections has led me to realize that i don't have any real direction in my life now, and don't know what direction i want to put it in. it is perhaps fortunate that i was not successful in my job and fellowship applications, as an offer could have given my life direction without my fully considering the choice i had.

as i've posted before, now is the first time that i have a real and difficult choice of what to do with my life. but only now am i realizing that, without making that choice, i am lacking any true direction, and i thus feel a lack of purpose for my life ... which is why i need to establish some direction. hopefully by the end of august. :-)

yet, i have been terrified of establishing direction. i fear that, by establishing one direction, i will necessarily forgo other directions ... and thus quite possibly shortchange my future. i have to overcome this fear and make a decision. i need to create a framework that will allow me to look forward to my future without worrying that i made a sub-optimal decision.